The Kitten

On New Years Eve, I had my first poly date in, well, a while. The Kitten found me on Plenty of Fish, where I’d kind of forgotten I even had a profile. POF is a sleezy slum of a neighborhood. I don’t care for it. She sent me a message and I replied and then we were talking.
The Kitten had a lot of poly questions, and a lot of nerves about it. Every time she started to freak out, I told her, “Hey, no pressure. If you aren’t comfortable, you aren’t comfortable.” And then she’d be back, and then freak out about something else. I think she was waiting for me to just tell her what to do, but until we’re at that place, we aren’t at that place. This is not something I can simply command a girl to do.
The night we met, she waffled for two hours about whether we should go back to her apartment. Frankly, I am amazed I stayed in for that long. I blame my dating rustiness for not being able to tell all of this right away. But I won’t push for a girl to take me back to her apartment. It needs to unfold organically. It needs to be right for everyone.
I don’t deal well with the fisherwomen. She would cast her line out there just to see what it would bring back. She suggested coming over and getting it on with me and the girlfriend. Then GF and I thought, “All right, that could be fun,” and told her to come on over, she freaked out again. Then she suggested coming over not to play with GF, but to be with me, which was also totally fine. All right, come on over. She freaked out again.
She kept saying, “Give me time. You’ll love me, I promise.” Yeah. That was when I started to realize how this all sounded.
Finally, I asked her, “What do you need to feel comfortable?”
“I need you just to tell me to shut up and come over.”
“I am not going to do that,” I said. “If you want to come, come. If you aren’t entirely sure, then don’t.”
“OK, I’ll come, then,” she said. And with my savvy and my mojo just out of storage, I didn’t see what she was doing.
She kept telling me not to be frustrated with her, that she was worth the effort. And after a few days of this kind of intense emotional yo-yoing, I decided that I was too frustrated and it was too much effort, that when I was with her I was wondering in the back of my mind when the date would be over so I could go back home. That’s not fair to her and means it isn’t as good a match as we’d hoped it would be.
After two dates, that should have been a disappointing, “Sorry. This isn’t working out the way I’d hoped.” Instead, it turned into, “I’m freaking out here, crying, because I feel like I’ve lost you already.”
Whoa.
That is too, too much after two dates. Too much emotional back and forth. Too much manipulation. As you know, I have a pretty firm boundary about how much sexual exploration I’ll indulge in on a first date. She told me she was sending me dirty texts and pictures all day long so that I would want to have sex on that first night. I know it is a personal boundary and not a firm rule, but I am still angry with myself for breaking it, and for letting her pull my strings enough to get me to do something I don’t normally do.
She was very upset after I told her I didn’t want to continue and said that she was opening up to me and I confirmed her fears about that. I didn’t really see too much of her opening up. I just saw her texts turn more and more into heavy sexting.
I’m sure she’ll make the right someone incredibly happy. She’s definitely a sex minx and she’s very enthusiastic about it. But I do need more than that, and that someone isn’t me.
My dating prowess is coming back, though. I am remembering what I like and what red flags look like. And I had another great date (that story will come soon) that reminded me how it’s supposed to be – how to be out on a date and instead of thinking, “GF is at home and that’s really where I want to be,” wishing for, “Just five more minutes?” when it’s already past being late.
Because above all, this whole thing is supposed to be fun, right? Let’s not waste all of our precious time with people who don’t delight us.

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One thought on “The Kitten

  1. I really enjoy the reading and wish I could of found you on plenty of fish. I have tried twice now to find someone on POF, after weeding out the out for sex Men, does not leave alot to choose from. Tried to date twice with people saying they would “try” to understand the poly thing, only to lose my heart and mind. Their only solution is to have me leave my girlfriend for them. Yah not going to happen. They have no trust in the fact that I can love and respect two in my life. Oh well keep up the search, I know I will, just not sure on how to find someone though. Don’t want to date anyone that is not comfortable with poly for sure again. You know the ones, lets call them Poly Virgins, lol. thanks again. Kelli

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