Where I’ve Been

It’s been a long few months. The Poly Man Whore is in semi-retirement. I’m one of the legs in a V relationship now. I’m mostly living with my main squeeze and her husband (my husband-in-law). I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Moving in with her and her husband was such a natural move, feeling like it should always have been this way. I’m still not completely moved in, and I do still have my apartment for many more months. But now I have a bedroom and I am at their house, “at home,” at least six days a week. I have chores. I contribute to the budget. It really is home.
We have a V relationship. So she has the both of us, but other husband and I are not romantically involved with one another. I haven’t been dating outside of my V. The last chapter of dating left a bad taste in the squeeze’s mouth and I respect her wants and her feelings.
Things are not secure and solid yet. There have been a whole lot of stumbles – big ones and little ones. A couple of times, I thought the V was all over. We seem to have gotten all of those issues worked out, though, and we’re at cruising altitude.
Points of interest:
  • This is the first time in twenty years that I have cohabitated with an adult male.
  • I have severe stepparenty guilt. I feel tremendously guilty that I see their kids every day and I have to deal with only seeing my Princess every other weekend and every couple of days on Skype.
  • I have stepparenty guilt over discipline, too. Most of the time, my own remedies to unwelcome childhood situations is for that child to undo whatever it is that he/she did and issue apologies. Combine that with the look stern enough to shrink a child’s soul, and usually that is worked out. I don’t know if it is that this approach doesn’t work on boys, or if it doesn’t work on these particular boys, but I have to learn how to bend them to my will without yelling or violence, but, being boys, they only speak yelling and violence.
  • I am unaccustomed to the first thing to be done once two Hot Wheels are in-hand is to smash them together, rather than have them confer about where to go shopping.
  • I am still jumpy and edgy and committment-phobic after my own marriage suddenly and (to me) completely unexpectedly ended.
  • I am always waiting for the axe to fall and the shoe to drop.
  • The Squeeze gets really edgy when I talk about money and trying to contribute to the budget.
  • I am still battling depression and insomnia. I was talking to someone who was getting very cranky and cross, saying, “I just didn’t sleep well last night.” Yeah? I haven’t slept AT ALL in FIVE DAYS. Grr.
  • There is a lot of bickering over housework and our different expectations about the level of housekeeping.
  • I am getting used to not having any me-time. I didn’t think I needed any, but it turns out that I needed the quiet recharging time I had while commuting from girlfriend to work to home to girlfriend. The other day, I had the first real, by myself, in the garage, concentrating on my project time this week, and even that was interrupted.
I am very much the opposite of the husband-in-law. We have personality conflicts. There are fears and hurt feelings and muttering and stomping around and heavy sighing. But we’re working through it.
This year has given me some terrible and difficult lessons and experiences. But all in all, I am doing well. I am putting myself back together and living a different type of poly lifestyle than I had at the beginning of the year. Will I look for non-primary relationships and date other partners again? I don’t know, maybe. I don’t want to affect anything with the squeeze so now I am not looking for anything else. I’ve dialed the Man Whore down a few ticks and now I am stopping at flirty sexual tension. Sure, sometimes I still get the glint in my eye and those, “Mmm. I bet she could be a whole lot of fun,” vibes, but I am not solid enough with everything else in my life to go that way.
I am still in transition, still on the journey. I don’t know exactly where the end is, but I have a general idea. I guess we’ll fill in the details along the way. And I know how you love details…
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One thought on “Where I’ve Been

  1. punkymama says:

    Welcome back. Cheering you on

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