The comfort blanket ideal of the poly rule set infuriates me sometimes. It’s the primary reason I don’t date poly noobs. I don’t want to burn my time and energy jumping through the hoops and trials by fire that so many of these married-but-expanding poly couples set out. I understand that we can all feel insecure about our positions and making sure we are number one to our spouses. But most of these rules enforce a lack of trust in your partners’ judgment that makes me very uncomfortable.
For instance, I had been courting a particular married lady. During the text messaging phase, she was complaining about being home alone while her husband was out on a date. She was bored and wistful and, well, bored. I offered to come over and hang out for a while, no sex in the equation at all. The answer was no. I was not allowed to see her because I had not met her husband. I was not allowed in their house because I had not met her husband.
I have noticed that if there is a meet the spouse policy before you can have sex, or a meet the spouse policy before you can come to the residence even if you are not going to have sex, that is a drama-filled primary relationship. Without exception, in _EVERY_ couple/unit I have met that has that rule, it is a lack of trust between partners. All it says is, “I don’t trust your judgement when you pick a partner you want to have sex with.”
I had a relationship with another great lady for a while, and they had a rule that stated no partners could be brought to their home. This is a red flag for me because then polyamory takes on a shameful aspect. I don’t like being an outdoor pet, kept separate from family, friends, life.
When you think that every rule can potentially become a broken rule, what’s the big deal with who your partner sleeps with? Don’t these people trust their partners to make mature and responsible decisions about sex and their constellations? If not, I doubt they are ready to open their marriage at all.
We poly folk, we talk a lot about communication and honesty and openness. I don’t think we talk nearly enough about courtesy and trust. Most of these rules are complete horse shit. Trust your partners.
And don’t be a dick.