I really feel sad for monogamous people who go through divorces or breakups. Part of what has made this tolerable for me is that I have other wonderful partners who love and support me. I was really down in a dark, dark place for a while. People have been backing away and leaving my life in larger numbers than I expected. If my life were a TV show, this divorce would have been the gripping season finale, setting up the show for the next season after most of the cast wants to leave. Now that we are in the next season’s premier, the cast is changing.

I am regaining my mojo and rebuilding my self confidence. Now that I am capable of rational thought and self-analysis again, I have realized that most of the leavings had little to do with me. People have other things going on in their lives than just me – especially people who have secondary-type relationships with me. But I really wasn’t in a place where I could handle any more rejection, whether I was being rejected for something of my own doing or not. I just couldn’t process it and I had a hard time wanting to lean on people who were important to me, but weren’t able to offer the kind of support I needed.

The worst part of the whole thing is being away from my daughter. Not being able to see her every day, not being able to talk to her, to hold her, to snuggle her whenever we like… It’s awful. Dropping her off from a daddy date we had together fucking killed me. I was crying for the entire hour and a half car ride back home after I dropped her off with her mom. Leaving her there, knowing it would be days before I could see her again, that was harder than all the days of missing her.

But we are strong, she and I. We’ll figure it out. We’ll grow and move on through our lives, with as much of them together as we can. My ex-wife has a plan and it sounds pretty good for her.

I’m feeling a lot better. I’m feeling more like me than I have in a month, at least. My two romantic relationships are going really well. I am moving into my new place over the weekend. I am starting anew. I am pulling things together and I’m satisfied with how things are going. I still have my mood swings, switching between that dark place and my normal chipper self, but even though the swings are just as deep as always, they don’t last nearly as long as they have been through the spring. I’m coming through, and it feels great.

And for you two, my loves… Thank you. I am not going to say I couldn’t do it without you. I know I could. But my recovery would have been far longer and far more painful without you. I love you and I need you and you help me see that I’m better than okay. I’m awesome.

7 thoughts on “Recovering

  1. stealthp says:

    I’ve learned that divorce inevitably means some folks backing away. This can be taken positively, in that you realize that the people who *didn’t* back away are your true and loyal friends (and lovers).

  2. Strix says:

    It’s absolutely heartwrenching to read about this, especially the parts about your daughter. I’m going through a bit of a relationship metamorphosis right now with my wife / co-parent. Reading your posts send chills up my spine about being away from my daughter. It gives me renewed vigor to work on remaining together, even if it’s without a romantic component. As always, thank you for sharing your deep emotions!

  3. Sev says:

    Wow. Thank you SO much for sharing this to your readers (like me). You are being so strong. Monogamous or not, typically people are not alone. Or if they actually are (and don’t enjoy being alone) I think the common desire is to search and make connections.

    You are fortunate, You know who your backups are, and you know this. I just happen to be a friendly reminder 🙂

    And holy fuck are you being so loving! You love your ex-wife and daughter SO much that you’re going through the process of accepting the fact that they are having slightly different paths than what you anticipated. That is some impressive adaptability and something I’m sure all your loves/connections (including yourself) can appreciate in the long run.

    HUGS (if I may. And if not, then, well, you get the sentiment)

  4. punkymama says:

    Thank you for sharing. Glad you feel some optimism and I am so sorry about not seeing your daughter.

  5. Bonobolicious says:

    It is really too bad about your marriage, and especially your daughter. I was listening to my favorite podcast the other day and heard one of your accounts, pre breakup. I don’t know all the gory details but i have to say that just from the outside and listening to you talking about your situation i am not surprised that she left. I probably would have too. It seems that there is a little bit of a narcissistic streak in you, and I think the worst thing you can do at this point is lean on others to make you feel better. I think you should isolate yourself, look deep within your own self and realize your own role in all of this. And talk about that.
    I don’t mean to sound harsh especially at this sensitive time but I think it is really important when things change that we seek answers from ourselves, and fully own them.
    Marriages break up all the time, and usually no-one is at fault (ahem).

  6. KC says:

    Wishing you the best.

  7. bella says:

    Hi PMW, I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for a few months now. And I truly admire your ability to share your pain and your joy and your lust (for others and for life). I wish you the absolute best as you continue finding your new way.

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