I really feel sad for monogamous people who go through divorces or breakups. Part of what has made this tolerable for me is that I have other wonderful partners who love and support me. I was really down in a dark, dark place for a while. People have been backing away and leaving my life in larger numbers than I expected. If my life were a TV show, this divorce would have been the gripping season finale, setting up the show for the next season after most of the cast wants to leave. Now that we are in the next season’s premier, the cast is changing.
I am regaining my mojo and rebuilding my self confidence. Now that I am capable of rational thought and self-analysis again, I have realized that most of the leavings had little to do with me. People have other things going on in their lives than just me – especially people who have secondary-type relationships with me. But I really wasn’t in a place where I could handle any more rejection, whether I was being rejected for something of my own doing or not. I just couldn’t process it and I had a hard time wanting to lean on people who were important to me, but weren’t able to offer the kind of support I needed.
The worst part of the whole thing is being away from my daughter. Not being able to see her every day, not being able to talk to her, to hold her, to snuggle her whenever we like… It’s awful. Dropping her off from a daddy date we had together fucking killed me. I was crying for the entire hour and a half car ride back home after I dropped her off with her mom. Leaving her there, knowing it would be days before I could see her again, that was harder than all the days of missing her.
But we are strong, she and I. We’ll figure it out. We’ll grow and move on through our lives, with as much of them together as we can. My ex-wife has a plan and it sounds pretty good for her.
I’m feeling a lot better. I’m feeling more like me than I have in a month, at least. My two romantic relationships are going really well. I am moving into my new place over the weekend. I am starting anew. I am pulling things together and I’m satisfied with how things are going. I still have my mood swings, switching between that dark place and my normal chipper self, but even though the swings are just as deep as always, they don’t last nearly as long as they have been through the spring. I’m coming through, and it feels great.
And for you two, my loves… Thank you. I am not going to say I couldn’t do it without you. I know I could. But my recovery would have been far longer and far more painful without you. I love you and I need you and you help me see that I’m better than okay. I’m awesome.