My life is in a massive state of flux right now. I am fighting through the turmoil.
There is an awful lot going on, and it centers around people who have asked that I not write about them in my blog. I will respect that, of course, and just go with some vagueries so that you know why I haven’t been as active lately.
I am going through the beginnings of a divorce. Unfortunately, I know that as such a vocal and filter-less polyamory advocate, I know that anything like this that happens to me can shed a bad light on the poly lifestyle/orientation. Really, though, my experience should demonstrate that this simply is not for everyone, and that polyamory in itself isn’t necessarily at fault for other problems in a marriage or relationship.
In addition to my marriage breaking up, my confidence is low, my mojo feels dull and tiny and dim. I need to get myself built back up. I have had a lot of changes in several of my relationships lately. Everyone has their own set of problems that they are working through, too, and I’m sad to say some of my “out of sight, out of mind” worries came true. Some of those may be temporary, some may not. But I am just not in a place right now where I can deal with the insecurity and the unknown of these other relationships in flux. Right now, I just have to withdraw. I hope, I truly hope, that isn’t permanent.
Now I have packing and moving to worry about, how to see my daughter when she is now an hour plus away from me, how to balance the rest of my relationships and keep them strong and healthy while I am struggling to keep myself strong and healthy. I have a lot of work to do on my life right now.
Being poly and living alone… I’ve done a lot of thinking about it. Now instead of the “open marriage” kind of branding, I have to combat the “player,” “womanizer,” labels. There are pluses and minuses. I’ll be exploring those at length as I settle more into my new situation.
Telling the story of what happened is something I thought would get easier the more times I had to tell it. It is just as hard every single time. Now I have told everyone in my inner circle, and it is nice to have support and friends I can count on. When monogamous people go through something like this, I imagine some of their feelings are far more difficult to deal with because they don’t have any more loving partners to care for them and support them. I am very lucky to have the network of trust and love and support that I do.
I’ll be just fine. Right?