My local poly group recently put on an Intro to Kink/BDSM 101 class. I have become increasingly interested in the kinkier side of sexy time, so I was excited to attend and hear what the “Professional Dominatrix”, I’ll call her the Instructress, had to say. I can tell you that “Intro” and “101” were quite correct. Several of the attendees and I recognized that we are far, far kinkier than we had originally thought, and that we were already way beyond what is taboo for a lot of the muggles out there.
We had some brief and specific definitions for vocabulary used in this particular class. We spoke a lot about consent and boundaries and limits. Two noteworthy points here was that it’s just as okay for the top/D-type to have boundaries and to dislike certain activities as it is for the bottom/S-type, and that there is nothing wrong with renegotiating those boundaries every time.
We spoke about ambiance and outfits. I question when people talk about their kinky personae as though they were different people. Actors and schizophrenics talk about their “characters” this way. She said, “I put on this outfit and there she was! Mistress Instructress was out!” I understand psychological crutches and talismans, things you need to get yourself into a particular frame of mind. But I don’t get the separate personality, or describing that personality as though she’s someone else. I wonder if it’s a matter of dodging ownership from the acts she is performing. I hope I get some feedback on this – I’ve always wondered about it.
She spoke very briefly about bondage. She decried the dangers of handcuffs and very matter of factly gave us her opinions as gospel of different rope materials. She did say something funny, though. “If you think of kink as lasagna, bondage is definitely the noodles.” Again, I’m not sure I agree. I disclaim this by saying that I am just commenting from my opinions and I still consider myself a novice, I have had plenty of what I have been told are fairly kinky sexy times with no restraint at all. Then again, I was recently told by a self-described Domme that food and kink are not remotely similar, so the consistent use of food analogies has me wondering, too. I’ve heard quite a lot of them, and I lean toward thinking kink and food are incredibly similar.
But back to the rope. We were reminded to think about the bondee’s circulation and to stop and reposition if any body parts go numb or feel tingly. She said that nylon is the absolute worst rope for bondage. Opinions on this really seem to vary. I have friends who say that nylon is very acceptable. It’s all very subjective. Her preferences run as follows:
- Poly Blend
The Instructress also mentioned “Top Space.” I have heard of “Sub Space” before but I hadn’t heard of “Top Space.” I don’t understand what this is, either. I’ve been told that “Sub Space” is very freeing and liberating and intoxicating. I have never really subbed, but I have never really experienced any sort of transcendent way of being. It was recently explained to me that something as commonplace to me as being so into my work that all of a sudden I realize that a lot of time has passed and I was not aware of it. I suppose I can understand if concentrating hard enough on what I am doing while topping makes time fly by, but I still don’t really believe in any sort of altered state of being from any of these activities.
After the bondage portion, the Instructress went on to the hurting portion of the class. She mentioned getting excited every time she walks into Home Depot because of all of the tasty pain implements to be found there, mostly clothespins, I think. She was unspecific as to what else excited her there. She spoke about her implements, like suede floggers not leaving marks and leather floggers leaving marks; about paddles being thuddy and canes being stingy; about spanking with a cupped hand rather than an open flat hand; a good tip about starting light and working up to harder impacts so as to warm the body up and not give it a serious shock.
And that was mostly it… Pretty light on content, in my opinion, but, then, for repressed, lights-off, missionary sexers, I suppose this could all be fairly scandalous. But for me, I know the class was listed as an Intro class and I wasn’t sure quite what to expect, but I thought it a touch light. I wouldn’t say it was a wasted evening, though. I definitely got my fee’s worth of ideas. The Instructress did give me some tasty ideas for alternative, budget restraints. Self-adhering bandages, such as Vet Wrap pet bandages, and plastic wrap and a blow dryer make for good, tight, versatile restraints and even gags and blindfolds!
I did get some good framing around and places to look for inspiration for the things that I like. When I am topping, which seems to be pretty much all the time, I really enjoy sensory deprivation, sensation play, withholding orgasms, stacking and overproviding orgasms, very light breath play. I love blindfolds and gags and earplugs. I love giving scratchy, touchy, licky, sensations; ice, food (especially with a blindfold!), breath on the skin, breath in the ears. No pain. No humiliation or degradation. Just extreme sensations and anticipation.
I got a tip on those sensations I love to give so much, too. Take… it… slow. Draw it out. It is so much more deliciously agonizing the slower it goes.
She also suggested the use of chemical hand warmers in addition to using ice. And ice and hand warmers are both good to wrap over with the aforementioned plastic wrap. Devious, that. I’m going to have to try it.
This exposure opens my mind to even more possibilities. On the Life on the Swingset podcast episode 72, there was discussion about needle play. I would think that even three or four months ago, I would have tuned out from that and ignored the show until something less edgy for me was the subject again. But yesterday, I was fascinated by the idea of it. I was hungry for more information.
Then the talk deepened and turned to hooks, and, to quote Marlin from Finding Nemo, “Good feeling’s gone!” But I wasn’t repulsed. I didn’t shut down or shut it out. I just realized that for my comfort zone right now, hooks aren’t in it. Suspension is especially not in it! I am curious to watch it, but not at all interested in performing it, on either side.
As I get more and more interested in the advanced sexual arts, I want to learn more and more. The world of kink is varied and fascinating. I am hungry for information about it all! I want to know more about technique. I want to go deeper and learn about the attraction to certain activities, the emotions wrapped up in them, about why my friends or my partners are interested in certain things and not in certain other things.
And now that I know I’m not a kink freshman, and I’m armed with some more knowledge and experience, I want to take the red pill, and see how far the rabbit hole goes. I’m in, and I’m excited!