I finally broke through the sadness wall. I had a pretty crushing breakup. I don’t blame her at all… She was looking for something I just couldn’t give her right now. She wanted something a lot more primary than I was willing to do. I am, to quote another girl I am dating, “a very active dater.” At the moment, I am not excited about the idea of stopping that. I think that she felt devalued when I would start to see a new girl.
And that happens… fairly often.
The pain is all about missing her and not being able to be with someone I love deeply and dearly, and knowing that I can’t give her what she really wanted from me. I really hope that once we are both through the healing phase that we can still be a part of one another’s lives. But I miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss holding her. I miss her laugh and I miss her smell. Karaoke in a few weeks is going to be hurty and different, I think – it was “our thing.”
But I am recovering. Like I said, I broke through the wall. After several difficult days and a beautiful Saturday wasted because I really couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed, I broke on through to the other side. The weekend was fantastic. I am feeling like me again. I put my OKCupid profile back up. I met a couple of very interesting girls at the poly mingle. I’m smiling again and it feels great.
That poly mingle was a blast. I knew a lot of the people there, and didn’t have a chance to mingle with the people in the center tables, but I really enjoyed the company of the new people I met. It’s funny how there is so much overlap between the people I meet at these poly events and the people I see on OKCupid and Fetlife. It turns out the girl I was fairly instantly attracted to was a girl I had exchanged a couple of messages with on OKC several months back. She, too, might be looking for something I can’t provide, but she most certainly caught my interest. Incredibly cute, smart and funny and well-spoken, blunt but not rude – my kryptonite. And all the ink doesn’t hurt either. As unadorned as I am, I do start drooling for tattoos.
I was happy to offer up my advice and experience to a lot of the new people, and I was really happy to see that it wasn’t all just sets of the standard-reading-typical hetero couples looking to expand. One of my favorite questions of the evening was, “If you get attached and fall in love easily, isn’t your wife worried that you will fall in love with someone and fall out of love with her and leave?”
Sure, we all have insecurities. When anyone I see, wife, girlfriend, whatever, starts to see someone new, I pretty consistently need to be told, “I still need you. I still want you.” One of the draws to polyamory is that I can fall in love with a woman and still be totally, madly, completely in love with my wife. I don’t have to sacrifice my life with my wife to have another partner. I know that she is deeply in love with her boyfriend, and that makes me so happy for them!
Sometimes, sure, I just need to hear that she loves me and wants me and that she is going to stay with me. When we were monogamous, I would have these same insecurities. She could find someone else. She could fall in love with someone else. She could find someone else who gives her things I can’t or does things with her I don’t like…
But back then that very well might mean that she would leave to meet those needs. Now, that’s not necessary. I know that she loves me and she is with me because she wants to be, not because I am her last resort. Nobody puts up with my bullshit quite like she does, and I am so in love with her for that and so much more. Happy sigh.
The new girl… Wow. I am shocked at how quickly I felt this incredible connection with her. She makes me absolutely melt. I don’t often date noobs. In fact I met a girl yesterday who I was very interested in and attrached to, but passed on because they were poly-inexperienced and more experimenting than committed to poly. But new girl and her hubbie are very relaxed and mature. I haven’t felt like I have had to jump through a lot of the newby hoops a lot of new couples have. I like her husband and I really dig her.
She started dating a new guy since we have started seeing each other and if I’m honest, I had a little bit of a jealous! Their first kiss, she said, made her breathless. Then again, she did sort of measure it against mine, saying how amazing it was, so I suppose I can take comfort in knowing that even though his kiss was good, mine still is good, too!
This is something I constantly struggle with: the imaginary comparisons. I am always worrying about my not being the best for all of the girls. Am I the best in bed for her? Am I the best kisser for her? Am I her favorite? Am I, am I, am I… Frankly, it’s exhausting. And I realize that it’s all irrational and silly, because I see a lot of people and I don’t do that at all! When I kiss Texas and melt away into her, I don’t think that she is better or worse than Wales when I kiss and become completely drawn up into her. They are all spectacular and I don’t compare and contrast them. Why am I so convinced that they do that to me?
We can see that March has been quite a month in Manwhoreland. And it’s not even half done yet! It’s not all fun and games in puppet land.