How poly found me

It was my wife’s idea. Before I was married, either time, actually, I would typically have more than one fairly serious girlfriend at a time. But my first marriage was monogamous, and my current one was up until last year.

We had a couple of threesomes near the beginning of our relationship before we got married. And those were fun. But we were happily monogamous for nearly 10 years.

Over the last two or three years, though, she started making jokes about how I needed a mistress to give me attention when she was busy or cranky or to do things with me that she didn’t want to do. Eventually those stopped being jokes and started being very nearly suggestions.

Over the last two or three years, we had become friends with a new group of people and there was one single mom we knew. We’ll call her Peaches. She and I had a pretty quick spark and a decent level of attraction. One night, the girls were at a girls’ night party and Peaches was complaining about loser men and her lack of action. Wife drunkenly offered me up to her, and, as it turns out, wasn’t really joking about it. Peaches and I never ended up getting together but it really got Wife thinking. I thought the whole thing was funny, and at the time, didn’t think she was really serious.

One fine spring day, she said to me, “I think we should actually do it. Let’s open our marriage.” And she explained her Cheese Theory.

I was blown away. I mean, really, that, to me, was living the dream. This is very much my natural state; I didn’t realize this piece of me was in storage, under a tarp, as it were, until this came out. I was perfectly content, but this was a dimension to me that had been out of service for nearly a decade. But it could have been some sort of a trap…

So I decided, after a couple of days, that I would… tell a lie… to test it out. I am not a comfortable liar AT ALL. So rather than do anything actually incriminating or wasting a lot of effort if it wasn’t serious, I came home from work one day and I told her that I had a date. She flipped out with excitement! She wanted to know all about it! Who was she? Where did we meet? What were we going to do together? Was I going to sleep with her?

At this point, I was full of shock and surprise. I confessed, got punched hard in the arm, and realized that she was serious about this.

Two days after that, I met a charming girl at Starbucks, who, as it turned out, lived less than two miles from my house. So we set up a date for that night and I had my first open-marriage date and snog. Well, maybe hour’s worth of snogging.

Then we each set up profiles on OKCupid, found out about polyamory and decided that was our particular flavor of non-monogamy, and there we were. She had far more success right at first with the online dating. But I had a handful of very interesting relationships come from OKC, and then found the Meetup groups and started going to those, and that is where I met all of my current partners. I don’t do any online dating anymore.

So that’s it in a walnut. That’s how we came to be here.


How I knew it was for me, well, that’s a horse of a different color.

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