To an ex – sorry I was an asshole

We’ve already covered that I don’t break up well. Unfortunately, sometimes things happen and I have to stop seeing someone I actually really like. This happened in December with someone who I care for very deeply, but a line was crossed and I hoped I could get back to the hot and bothered side of it, and it turned out I couldn’t. Note, this is not about the girl in the breakup post.

I didn’t handle the actual breakup with the grace it deserved, and dropped the ball by letting it go down over text message the day we were meant to get together. She sensed my hesitation and then I kinda accidentally left her hanging. I was helping another girlfriend move during the day when we were supposed to have our date, and I really didn’t know what to say to her, so I ended up saying nothing. She (quite acceptably) flipped out, and unfortunately, hasn’t spoken to me since. And I suppose I deserve it.

But I know that she wants to get more involved in our poly community and start going to events with the group. I certainly did my best to encourage her to do stuff with the group while we were seeing each other. I found out the other day that she has been not going because she doesn’t want to go to an event where I’ll be. And that made my heart break a little extra. I certainly don’t want to push her out of a supportive community, and I have no ill will for her at all! I won’t mudsling or smear her name or anything. She’s a great woman. I hope we’ll get to enjoy each other’s company again. We had a connection that was too good to waste, and I hate that I made her feel this way.

I hope she is open to another apology. And here it is:

I do not want things to be awkward between us. I am sorry about how things unfolded but we can get past it all. We enjoy each other too much, are too full of personality, and are in far too small of a community to avoid each other. I know that you are hurt. I didn’t mean to hurt you but I do accept all the responsibility for my actions, and I am sorry I hurt you. I do not ever mean to embarrass you or say anything bad about you – I haven’t, and I won’t. I love your easy-going good nature and your sense of humor. You are a truly wonderful person and even if we never speak again, my life was better for having had you in it.

But I don’t want to never speak again. I admit there was, for me, an emotional line that was crossed and I found that I just couldn’t go back to the way things were. I didn’t mean to tell you that via text message, and I certainly didn’t want that to permanently end our relationship. The frame of it had changed for me, far more than it had for you. I hope you can forgive me.

You are an amazing, talented, beautiful, funny, sexy, strong woman. I truly and honestly want to be your friend and for us to have a place in each others’ lives. We were really great together, and we can be wicked awesome friends for a long, long time. Please don’t keep me locked out. I miss you.

I can’t know whether she’ll ever read the email I sent her. I know that the catharsis of posting it up here is purely for making myself feel better. I try not to do too many things that will make me feel shitty, but what happened with her most certainly did.

Do I deserve another chance with her? Probably not. I didn’t do it maliciously or in a calculating manner, but I guess I was an asshole after what I felt to be a horrible betrayal. The example from which I hope you, the reader, learn something is that, while nobody should be good at breaking up, don’t be a douche nozzle about it. But I am hopeful that I can put right something I did wrong. We’ll just have to see.

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One thought on “To an ex – sorry I was an asshole

  1. punkymama says:

    are you sure your not my husband? He is dealing with something very similar.

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