Disclosure Boundaries

Among the many things that I have learned I am just supposed to know are boundaries on discretion and secrecy. I like to think I am an open book. I don’t have an awful lot that I am ashamed of or particularly secret about. I like to own up to my mistakes (not that there are many of THOSE, of course!) and my snap judgments (ditto, right?). I guess I am a bit of a gossip whore, not because I like juicy secrets (although I suppose I do) but because I really want to know what is going on with people in and around my little circle.

My wife has told me that she expects me to guard her secrets. She said that we should have confidentiality like when we talk from the therapist’s couch. She should be able to trust that she can tell me something and that I won’t go telling everyone her business. She is big into secrets and what is whose business.

And I can see her point, but I don’t just listen to the things she tells me and then go blabbing all of that stuff to everyone. I do talk about things that are happening to her because things that happen to her can have a big effect on me. If a girlfriend has a problem with a boyfriend, that usually doesn’t involve me as much as my wife having something going on with her boyfriend. If my wife is upset, I have empathy and sympathy, and I tend to talk about that. When her happiness is lacking, that affects my happiness, and I tend to talk about that, too. But she’s afraid that I just spill everything to anyone, and she thinks “that’s nobody’s business.” I have a difficult time deciding what is business and what is “business.”

I have a girlfriend who considers herself to be a “very private person.” I know that she, too, worries about what I tell people, notably, my wife. I try to be respectful of everyone’s privacy. Then again, I am talking about them here, and they know who they are. And, I’m sure, each of them hopes that you, the reader, don’t know who any of them are.

I love hearing juicy details and sexy stories and post-date debriefs. I am very excited when I hear about my partners’ raunchy adventures. Some of them like to hear mine, some of them don’t. Some of them don’t really care what I tell about them, some don’t want me to tell anyone anything. I find it really hard to tell the difference sometimes.

If I was at a girlfriend’s house taking care of her because she was sick, then came home and comforted my wife because she had a fight with her boyfriend, and then go see another girlfriend, how can I not say what I was doing when she asks me how my day went? I don’t want to hide anything from anyone, but the girlfriend doesn’t want people knowing she is sick and the wife doesn’t want people knowing that she argued with her boyfriend.

I don’t understand why that is. I don’t have much that I would like people not to talk about, even the embarrassing stuff. For instance, I had a real Chris Farley moment while having a date the other night. I cracked her toilet seat. Yep. “Coulda done without that.” I really don’t expect her not to tell anyone about that. While it may have been a little embarrassing, it happened, and it was funny. Everyone knows I have some girth, and I leaned over funny on an old toilet seat, and, crack! Hilarity. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was already featured on MSNBC.

If there is something that I want, for some reason, to be kept confidential, I’ll say something along the lines of, “don’t tell anyone.” My wife says that she is not used to having to frame our talks in that way, and now doesn’t want to tell me stuff because she has to figure out if what she tells me can come back to bite her in any possible way, so now she can’t tell me anything until she has fully thought about the consequences of her not telling me not to tell anyone.

I am not a blabber mouth, and I don’t mean to be disrespectful to anyone’s privacy or insensitive to anyone’s feelings. Again, I think that I only share stuff that is happening around me. But I fully admit that I do not know the boundaries around what is ok to share and what I need to keep in the vault. I don’t always know when to zip it, lock it, and put it in my pocket. I guess I am more of a whistleblower than a super spy. But I mean well. Really!

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5 thoughts on “Disclosure Boundaries

  1. punkymama says:

    I have little that I want to keep secret. My husband is the one who needs his secrets guarded. I love reading about the male view of polyamory…more more more…

  2. yourworstnightmare says:

    For someone who likes to classify himself as a “poly man whore” you are nothing more than a player using the guise of an honest lifestyle to cover what it is your little dick wants.During all this “playing” you’re “documenting” the truth of your point of view which is not the reality of the complete truth / reality.
    For all your supposed honesty, I find you in need of a reality check.
    Grow a set and admit you like to play the field and fuck around.
    Don’t disgrace true poly people who have honest poly relationships by claiming to be poly.
    You are just an insensitive street playing whore.

    • swayjack says:

      Thanks for reading! And thank you for your comment!

      • yourworstnightmare says:

        Such a typical reply from you.
        You really need to take a step back and look at what you’re doing.
        Cheating on your wife with the guise of “opening” a marriage and bending reality does not make for blogging, tweeting, or giving poly advice advisable.
        I read to mock you and laugh at how full of yourself you are, all the while knowing exactly who you are and how you really act.
        You said so yourself in the post about going back – could you? Of course you couldn’t – you’d just be a closet cheater instead of flaunting it. Which reminds me, you did in fact cheat before marriage – so you made a commitment why?
        And referring to children as spawn and inter mixing them with the women and kids of the women you fuck? Thank God you are not my kids’ daddy – you have no class, and are a selfish cheater.
        A spade, is a spade, is a spade.

  3. Asenath says:

    Wow, Nightmare… You’ve really got him pegged! Whenever his other ladies and I are chatting/hanging out, we’re always saying what a shithole he is, and wondering why the hell we ever decided to share our lives with him… I mean, the audacity of introducing us to and letting us get to know one another! It’s sick! And I can’t tell you how many times he’s told me adorable stories about his wife and daughter, or how much he’s tried to comfort me when I’ve had trouble with my anxiety and panic attacks. Such transparent ploys to soften me up and keep his dick wet… It really is disgraceful! And to think, you got such a clear picture of him from just a few anecdotes over the course of just a couple of months! It usually takes me at least a year of pretty steady interaction before I know someone even remotely well enough to wantonly judge them and question their integrity and worth as a human being. But, then again, I’m just one of the dumb whores he’s suckered into his game, aren’t I?…

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