The J Word

I’ve been dealing with a lot of jealousy lately. Not mine – I don’t really have a lot of jealousy for my wife when she goes out with her boys, and I don’t really have jealousy when the girls go out with their other boys. What I have been dealing with is the jealousy the girls have about each other.

I think that all the girls are good with my wife. They should be, after all, she was here first. On the other hand, my wife’s boyfriend who we’ll call Pistachio is quite jealous of me. Wifey says that it isn’t all jealousy, per se; he is jealous of my freedom and our arrangement. In his eyes, his marriage is over. They are cohabitating in separate rooms and that is that. He is jealous of the time that Wifey and I spend together, because I get her whenever I want and he has to schedule it.

Now I have a girl, we’ll call her PanAm. PanAm wants me to be her primary partner. She wants time – all the time. And if I had it to give, I would absolutely give it, but my time is split amongst at least 4 other women and my children. I can’t do three times a week. I just can’t. Two nights… more realistic, but there are going to be weeks that might only have one night with each other.

She feels that falling in love is effortful and takes energy and that it isn’t realistic to give your heart to more than one person at a time. Naturally, as someone committed to poly, I disagree.

This is the very essence of polyamory. I can be, and, in fact, am, in love with multiple people, all at once. I don’t feel like that process takes away my energy. I feel enriched by every relationship I have. My life is bettered by all of my girls.

I understand being jealous of finite things. I understand spending more time with Sergeant might make PanAm jealous. Going on a weekend getaway with PanAm might make Sister Maria jealous. “Why is he doing something with HER when he could be doing something with ME?” I understand that.

But, “Why does he love her? I thought he loved me!” I admit… I find that one confounding.

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