Where I’ve Been

It’s been a long few months. The Poly Man Whore is in semi-retirement. I’m one of the legs in a V relationship now. I’m mostly living with my main squeeze and her husband (my husband-in-law). I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Moving in with her and her husband was such a natural move, feeling like it should always have been this way. I’m still not completely moved in, and I do still have my apartment for many more months. But now I have a bedroom and I am at their house, “at home,” at least six days a week. I have chores. I contribute to the budget. It really is home.

We have a V relationship. So she has the both of us, but other husband and I are not romantically involved with one another. I haven’t been dating outside of my V. The last chapter of dating left a bad taste in the squeeze’s mouth and I respect her wants and her feelings.

Things are not secure and solid yet. There have been a whole lot of stumbles – big ones and little ones. A couple of times, I thought the V was all over. We seem to have gotten all of those issues worked out, though, and we’re at cruising altitude.

Points of interest:

• This is the first time in twenty years that I have cohabitated with an adult male.
• I have severe stepparenty guilt. I feel tremendously guilty that I see their kids every day and I have to deal with only seeing my Princess every other weekend and every couple of days on Skype.
• I have stepparenty guilt over discipline, too. Most of the time, my own remedies to unwelcome childhood situations is for that child to undo whatever it is that he/she did and issue apologies. Combine that with the look stern enough to shrink a child’s soul, and usually that is worked out. I don’t know if it is that this approach doesn’t work on boys, or if it doesn’t work on these particular boys, but I have to learn how to bend them to my will without yelling or violence, but, being boys, they only speak yelling and violence.
• I am unaccustomed to the first thing to be done once two Hot Wheels are in-hand is to smash them together, rather than have them confer about where to go shopping.
• I am still jumpy and edgy and committment-phobic after my own marriage suddenly and (to me) completely unexpectedly ended.
• I am always waiting for the axe to fall and the shoe to drop.
• The Squeeze gets really edgy when I talk about money and trying to contribute to the budget.
• I am still battling depression and insomnia. I was talking to someone who was getting very cranky and cross, saying, “I just didn’t sleep well last night.” Yeah? I haven’t slept AT ALL in FIVE DAYS. Grr.
• There is a lot of bickering over housework and our different expectations about the level of housekeeping.
• I am getting used to not having any me-time. I didn’t think I needed any, but it turns out that I needed the quiet recharging time I had while commuting from girlfriend to work to home to girlfriend. The other day, I had the first real, by myself, in the garage, concentrating on my project time this week, and even that was interrupted.

I am very much the opposite of the husband-in-law. We have personality conflicts. There are fears and hurt feelings and muttering and stomping around and heavy sighing. But we’re working through it.

This year has given me some terrible and difficult lessons and experiences. But all in all, I am doing well. I am putting myself back together and living a different type of poly lifestyle than I had at the beginning of the year. Will I look for non-primary relationships and date other partners again? I don’t know, maybe. I don’t want to affect anything with the squeeze so now I am not looking for anything else. I’ve dialed the Man Whore down a few ticks and now I am stopping at flirty sexual tension. Sure, sometimes I still get the glint in my eye and those, “Mmm. I bet she could be a whole lot of fun,” vibes, but I am not solid enough with everything else in my life to go that way.

I am still in transition, still on the journey. I don’t know exactly where the end is, but I have a general idea. I guess we’ll fill in the details along the way. And I know how you love details…

I just want it to work!

This is 2012. We are in the future. We have radio controlled cars on Mars. We have video conferencing. We have cars that parallel park themselves. We have arcade games in our pockets. According to the historical documents, we’ll have hoverboards in a couple years. Really, this is a fascinating time, filled with marvels. But for all of this, I just want things to WORK.

The On Demand feature on the cable box isn’t working. We followed the instructions and it doesn’t function.

I had a bitch of a time getting files shared between Linux and Windows. I followed several different sets of instructions before I finally got it to function.

I had two video game consoles crash to death within days of one another.

The almost 2yo got a prescription that wasn’t in stock at the pharmacy but the pharmacy had a worldwide system shutdown for exactly the hour that I needed to be there and try to get it at another pharmacy.

Our two month old foosball table at work is already slightly warped.

A vending machine stole my money and wouldn’t give me my animal crackers.

What is going on here?

I wonder, did the pioneers complain about their rawhide bearings wearing out on their wagon wheels, and the arrows through their hats, and their crappy wi-fi, and lack of food? Did the Vikings complain about foamy lattes and battle axe handles that kept breaking? Has stuff always not worked?

I try not to get frustrated about it. I mean, there isn’t really much that I could do about any of these things (and I did finally get the file sharing to work after the most frustrating 45 minutes I have had all week) but they still irritated me. But, then, this morning, I woke up from a cell phone alarm, used a fully functional toilet, had a nice hot shower, dried off with a correctly working towel, put on nice fresh clean clothes and took my fruit from Brazil out of the perfectly acceptable refrigerator. Then I got in my British car (my thus far totally reliable British car!!) and drove to work in heated-seat turbocharged comfort.

I guess some things work after all. But I still want those damn animal crackers.

Saying what we mean and asking for what we want

A conversation I had last night with the 5yo reminded me of traps I fell into in several former relationships.

5yo: “I’m thirsty.”

Me: “Aw, sorry, buddy.”

5yo: “Really thirsty.”

Me: /nod

5yo: “Why can’t I have anything to drink?” Weepy whiney tone in voice now.

Me: “You can have a drink.”

5yo: “Well?!”

Me: “Well what?”

5yo: “I’m thirsty!”

Me: “Thank you for telling me, and I deeply sympathize with your condition. Is there anything I can actually do for you?”

5yo: “Can I have some milk?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

And then I got up and got him some milk.

Informing me of a condition or an emotion isn’t always enough. During some post-breakup texts with a former girlfriend, I asked, “Why didn’t you tell me that would bother you?”

“I DID tell you,” she replied. “You just weren’t listening!”

Believe me. I always listen. The thing is, there’s this whole Mars/Venus thing, and as amazing and sympathetic and empathetic (and maybe to that same ex, just plain pathetic) as I am, I do not always understand what that condition actually requires to fix it. Would the 5yo have been satisfied if I had given him water? Or juice? I don’t know. But it turns out, in this simplistic 5yo example, that he wanted milk, but it took him minutes to actually ask for it.

None of this reflects badly on the 5yo; this is part of his communication training. Don’t beat around the bush. If something bothers you, say so, and not in uncertain terms.

For me, lately I expressed my displeasure in the husband-in-law constantly replying, “No,” to requests, and then sometimes just doing them anyway. Saying something you don’t mean is just as bad as not saying what you actually mean.

One of us: “Hey, can you let the dogs in?”

Husband-in-law: “No.”

Husband-in-law gets up and lets the dogs in.

So I told him and he, having been informed, now is trying to break the habit that I am sure he thinks is just harmlessly funny but is awfully annoying to me. Until I said so, how could he ever have know that it bugged me? I told him firmly and directly without trying to be a jerk (and I think I managed to, I think…).

Don’t assume that people you are talking to will be able to read between your lines. If you have something to say, don’t be afraid. Just say it!

Social Fucktardation

Lots of people seem really surprised that I only have a certain tolerance for large group settings. Like the Most Interesting Man in the World, I am the life of parties I’ve never even been to. But when I get to an actual party or event or potluck or munch or whatever, the hourglass turns over and the countdown begins. Usually the sands spill for about two hours, and then I am done. When the sands are empty, my patience is, too.

My tolerance for all of the know it alls and the poor table manners and the veiled and ambiguous judgmenty rhetoric and especially the people who chew with their mouths open can go strong for 90 minutes or so. Two hours rolls around and all bets are off.

I know a lot of people with different social anxieties and they manifest in panic attacks and babbling and stammering and not being able to talk in front of a lot people. I don’t get that at all. When my social meter shows empty, I withdraw. I get morose and sullen and somber. People who know me ask me what’s wrong. Rather than have to face that, that’s the point when I’ll typically make my exit.

Of course, whenever I leave an event “so soon,” I am always drilled with questions about whether I am okay and if something is wrong and am I not liking the party. So lately I have taken to “ghosting,” where I just walk out. I am not sneaking out or trying to evade attention; I just leave. Sometimes I’ll say goodbye, sometimes not. If I am part of a group that is destined to change venues I’ll make sure to tell someone I am leaving so that I don’t have anyone worried that I was left behind. But for the most part, I don’t want to have to answer questions about why I am leaving and reassure people that they are not to blame for my discomfort.

I’m not trying to be a douche or upset anyone. I am doing just the opposite. I am trying to minimize my affecting anyone else’s good mood.

This highlights a recurring theme in my life. I am reassuring people for my discomfort. I seem to spend a lot of time comforting people and telling them that it’s okay that I am upset or angry or depressed. Sometimes when I am upset or angry or depressed I wonder why I don’t seem to get genuine concern. I get, “Did I do something?” So then I am down and having to boost other people who care less about my being upset than their potentially being to blame.

Then sometimes out of the blue, when things are going well, someone asks me if I’m okay. Sure, I’m fine. And then that someone will say something really supportive like, “Well you sound like an asshole for saying something I didn’t like.”

So I have to hide my angsty feelings because it makes other people uncomfortable. I can’t just withdraw and work through my angsty feelings on my own because other people want to make sure they aren’t to blame. And when things are going well, people like to pick fights to give me those angsty feelings again.

I was told once after a meeting at work that I needed to be more of a “team player.” I asked what that meant, and I was told that meant that I shouldn’t offer my opinions or corrections on other people’s work, and that I also shouldn’t defend my own work if my coworkers’ arguments or details or comments are incorrect.

Am I doomed to go through life squelching all of my own essence in order to make other people feel better? Am I selfish to want my own feelings and opinions handled with the same sort of consideration I am supposed to give everyone else’s?

Yeah, I am. Carry on, world. I need fair weather friends, too. And when I am upset, I’ll still make you feel better.

Poly rules are bullshit!

The comfort blanket ideal of the poly rule set infuriates me sometimes. It’s the primary reason I don’t date poly noobs. I don’t want to burn my time and energy jumping through the hoops and trials by fire that so many of these married-but-expanding poly couples set out. I understand that we can all feel insecure about our positions and making sure we are number one to our spouses. But most of these rules enforce a lack of trust in your partners’ judgment that makes me very uncomfortable.

For instance, I had been courting a particular married lady. During the text messaging phase, she was complaining about being home alone while her husband was out on a date. She was bored and wistful and, well, bored. I offered to come over and hang out for a while, no sex in the equation at all. The answer was no. I was not allowed to see her because I had not met her husband. I was not allowed in their house because I had not met her husband.

I have noticed that if there is a meet the spouse policy before you can have sex, or a meet the spouse policy before you can come to the residence even if you are not going to have sex, that is a drama-filled primary relationship. Without exception, in _EVERY_ couple/unit I have met that has that rule, it is a lack of trust between partners. All it says is, “I don’t trust your judgement when you pick a partner you want to have sex with.”

I had a relationship with another great lady for a while, and they had a rule that stated no partners could be brought to their home. This is a red flag for me because then polyamory takes on a shameful aspect. I don’t like being an outdoor pet, kept separate from family, friends, life.

When you think that every rule can potentially become a broken rule, what’s the big deal with who your partner sleeps with? Don’t these people trust their partners to make mature and responsible decisions about sex and their constellations? If not, I doubt they are ready to open their marriage at all.

We poly folk, we talk a lot about communication and honesty and openness. I don’t think we talk nearly enough about courtesy and trust. Most of these rules are complete horse shit. Trust your partners.

And don’t be a dick.

Seriously, again?

Is this happening again?

I have had several relationships that have ended because I have violated some edict I was “just supposed to know,” or done something that made a woman uncomfortable that she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me about. Many of these violations and atrocities I committed had to do with new partners. I never violated a rule. I never did anything that I knew would pass a current partner’s comfort boundaries. I tried paying attention to signals but I am not good at reading between lines, especially when I don’t know what the lines are!

Now I am in adding mode again. Things have been very in-flux with my relationships and my self image lately. Lots of ups and downs. But lately, lots of ups. I’m feeling good about me again, feeling good about being social again. I’ve met a lot of new and interesting women, but now, once again, I find myself having to guess and wonder about what the signals mean that I am getting.

One of my partners has told me only that she gets extremely nervous when new people enter the picture. For nearly a year, she hasn’t been able to tell me why that makes her uncomfortable or what I can do to make her feel more comfortable, how much information she wants, what will make her feel good or bad about it. So I stay vague on most of the details, update her on the whos, the whats, and the whens, and the rest she can see from my Google Calendar. I don’t know whether this is enough for her.

Another partner is going through some emotional restructuring right now. She tells me in vague terms that she is afraid, and that she doesn’t want to be second, and that she is afraid of the unknown. She is upset that with her and her spouse’s complicated and unconventional work schedules that she doesn’t ever get a fun night out. But then she says that she doesn’t expect me to sit at home. She can handle my existing relationships but doesn’t know if she can handle any new ones. She doesn’t want to come home to me after I have been physical with a new partner, but doesn’t feel comfortable telling me where the line is, how physical is too physical.

And in fairness, I say that I get nervous and insecure with the thought of someone now coming in because I don’t want to be replaced. She has told me the thinks we each process that in different ways. She’s right. I am so convinced I am going to disappoint her that I think I dig until I find disappointment. I have a really hard time, especially lately, accepting, “It’s okay,” without any strings attached.

So once again, I am being left to guess. Guess at what is going to upset someone I love. Guess at what she really wants. Hope that I am not doing something that will upset her or upset the balance or upset the status quo – for each partner! On top of that, I worry that previous partners will be very upset and take it very personally if I make a behavioral modification that they wanted or expected but couldn’t express a need for.

Each of my partners is going through some deep issues right now, with herself, with a metamour, with one of her own current partners. I don’t want one of those issues to be me. But I am faced again with not knowing the lines, not knowing what I will mess up by doing something I don’t know is hurtful.

I suppose the safe thing to do is just to sit at home, not date anyone new, work on a project or two, and wait for one of my ladies. But I wasn’t asked to do that. “You can still be you,” they say. Can I? Can I still be me? Because being me might involve something someone doesn’t like or makes someone afraid. Now I am walking on eggshells again, and I do not ever want to be tempted just to not say anything about something I did so that nobody will be upset. That is cheating and that is awful and I won’t do it. I can follow rules and guidelines, and I never want to make someone upset. But the constant guesswork, not knowing whether any particular action or activity is in the plus column or the minus column… It’s exhausting. Maybe sitting at home is best after all.

Recovering

I really feel sad for monogamous people who go through divorces or breakups. Part of what has made this tolerable for me is that I have other wonderful partners who love and support me. I was really down in a dark, dark place for a while. People have been backing away and leaving my life in larger numbers than I expected. If my life were a TV show, this divorce would have been the gripping season finale, setting up the show for the next season after most of the cast wants to leave. Now that we are in the next season’s premier, the cast is changing.

I am regaining my mojo and rebuilding my self confidence. Now that I am capable of rational thought and self-analysis again, I have realized that most of the leavings had little to do with me. People have other things going on in their lives than just me – especially people who have secondary-type relationships with me. But I really wasn’t in a place where I could handle any more rejection, whether I was being rejected for something of my own doing or not. I just couldn’t process it and I had a hard time wanting to lean on people who were important to me, but weren’t able to offer the kind of support I needed.

The worst part of the whole thing is being away from my daughter. Not being able to see her every day, not being able to talk to her, to hold her, to snuggle her whenever we like… It’s awful. Dropping her off from a daddy date we had together fucking killed me. I was crying for the entire hour and a half car ride back home after I dropped her off with her mom. Leaving her there, knowing it would be days before I could see her again, that was harder than all the days of missing her.

But we are strong, she and I. We’ll figure it out. We’ll grow and move on through our lives, with as much of them together as we can. My ex-wife has a plan and it sounds pretty good for her.

I’m feeling a lot better. I’m feeling more like me than I have in a month, at least. My two romantic relationships are going really well. I am moving into my new place over the weekend. I am starting anew. I am pulling things together and I’m satisfied with how things are going. I still have my mood swings, switching between that dark place and my normal chipper self, but even though the swings are just as deep as always, they don’t last nearly as long as they have been through the spring. I’m coming through, and it feels great.

And for you two, my loves… Thank you. I am not going to say I couldn’t do it without you. I know I could. But my recovery would have been far longer and far more painful without you. I love you and I need you and you help me see that I’m better than okay. I’m awesome.

Upheaval

My life is in a massive state of flux right now. I am fighting through the turmoil.

There is an awful lot going on, and it centers around people who have asked that I not write about them in my blog. I will respect that, of course, and just go with some vagueries so that you know why I haven’t been as active lately.

I am going through the beginnings of a divorce. Unfortunately, I know that as such a vocal and filter-less polyamory advocate, I know that anything like this that happens to me can shed a bad light on the poly lifestyle/orientation. Really, though, my experience should demonstrate that this simply is not for everyone, and that polyamory in itself isn’t necessarily at fault for other problems in a marriage or relationship.

In addition to my marriage breaking up, my confidence is low, my mojo feels dull and tiny and dim. I need to get myself built back up. I have had a lot of changes in several of my relationships lately. Everyone has their own set of problems that they are working through, too, and I’m sad to say some of my “out of sight, out of mind” worries came true. Some of those may be temporary, some may not. But I am just not in a place right now where I can deal with the insecurity and the unknown of these other relationships in flux. Right now, I just have to withdraw. I hope, I truly hope, that isn’t permanent.

Now I have packing and moving to worry about, how to see my daughter when she is now an hour plus away from me, how to balance the rest of my relationships and keep them strong and healthy while I am struggling to keep myself strong and healthy. I have a lot of work to do on my life right now.

Being poly and living alone… I’ve done a lot of thinking about it. Now instead of the “open marriage” kind of branding, I have to combat the “player,” “womanizer,” labels. There are pluses and minuses. I’ll be exploring those at length as I settle more into my new situation.

Telling the story of what happened is something I thought would get easier the more times I had to tell it. It is just as hard every single time. Now I have told everyone in my inner circle, and it is nice to have support and friends I can count on. When monogamous people go through something like this, I imagine some of their feelings are far more difficult to deal with because they don’t have any more loving partners to care for them and support them. I am very lucky to have the network of trust and love and support that I do.

I’ll be just fine. Right?

Thinking about a kiss…

Our kiss starts off with maybe a hint of hesitation… Then lips close, close, close together. Feeling your breath on my lips, feeling the warmth of your skin before we’re even touching. Then the slightest touch and our mouths are suddenly together.

Parted slightly, feeling just the hint of my tongue brush your lips, not diving inside your mouth… A hand on your cheek, and the other at the small of your back, pulling you close… Breathless.

Polishing away the NRE

Recently, several of my friends and metamours have been caught up in the New Relationship Energy high and confusion that comes with seeing someone new. One of my partners told me not long ago that she isn’t really interested in adding anyone new to her constellation because, “the newness has worn off of newness.” I see where she’s coming from. Beginning new relationships is a lot of work, a lot of balance, and a lot of powerful and potentially conflicting emotions. New people take up energy and time, our precious kreplets.

There is energy and fun and a great endorphin rush in the hunt, though. And being so picky about the kinds of partners I am interested in dating, I freely admit that I often enjoy the courting and seduction phases far more than the rest of the relationship. I enjoy the challenge, the reward, the rush, the NRE. And those partners that don’t continue to contribute love and positivity to my life don’t seem to stay around for long after this phase is complete. Not that I love ‘em and leave ‘em, but it’s far harder to make the casual relationship a priority when the deep and loving relationship wants that time, too. There are only so many times you can tell someone you love them and know you are not going to hear it back, that you may never hear it at all.

But that is not the end game for me. That rush, that NRE, that’s not really what I want. In the lifecycle of my relationships, I want nothing more than to get through that NRE phase. I don’t like the confusion and the highs and lows that go with the beginning of a relationship. I am a believer in keeping the Relationship Energy alive, but continuing the RE is far more fulfilling to me than simply steeping in the buzz of New Relationship Energy.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the NRE or even that I think it’s bad. What I really don’t like is the beginning of a relationship. I hate going through the phases of wondering whether she likes me, wondering whether we’ll be a good fit, wondering where this is going, wondering whether she’ll love me back. Even the first-time things I am usually really good at are still a lot of work: is it time to lean in for that first kiss, can I take her hand for the first time right now, can I put my hand on her back… Sheesh! Sometimes that can be exhilarating. Other times, it’s really just stressful.

When a New Relationship loses the “New” and becomes simply a Relationship, some things definitely click into place for me. I stop being afraid of losing her at every turn. I can finally accept that she chose to be with me, too, and that she wants to be with me. I say I love her, and she says she loves me, too. We trust each other with our hearts. Radio silence ceases to bother me, since I have confidence that through the silence, she still loves me. When I leave for work in the morning, I stop thinking of it as ending a date or pulling out or having to offer up reassurances and making everything feel okay because I am leaving – it just becomes my leaving for work. I know I will see her again. I know she wants me to see her again.

When NRE gives way to RE, I don’t have to worry about boring my friends or my other partners with countless hours of dribble over the new partner. I realize that I begin talking about her in a more normal, more in a “she’s a part of my life” way rather than the “look at my shiny new toy” way.

For me in particular, RE doesn’t mean there is less PDA or less compliments or less sex or less lovin’. In fact, all of those things mean so much more once a relationship stops being a New Relationship. To keep a current, healthy, solid relationship going strong, there’s a lot of source material out there. As for me? I just try to love as well as I can, and accept love in return as gracefully as I can. I don’t always hit the bullseye, but I think most of us are still working on that.