Upheaval

My life is in a massive state of flux right now. I am fighting through the turmoil.

There is an awful lot going on, and it centers around people who have asked that I not write about them in my blog. I will respect that, of course, and just go with some vagueries so that you know why I haven’t been as active lately.

I am going through the beginnings of a divorce. Unfortunately, I know that as such a vocal and filter-less polyamory advocate, I know that anything like this that happens to me can shed a bad light on the poly lifestyle/orientation. Really, though, my experience should demonstrate that this simply is not for everyone, and that polyamory in itself isn’t necessarily at fault for other problems in a marriage or relationship.

In addition to my marriage breaking up, my confidence is low, my mojo feels dull and tiny and dim. I need to get myself built back up. I have had a lot of changes in several of my relationships lately. Everyone has their own set of problems that they are working through, too, and I’m sad to say some of my “out of sight, out of mind” worries came true. Some of those may be temporary, some may not. But I am just not in a place right now where I can deal with the insecurity and the unknown of these other relationships in flux. Right now, I just have to withdraw. I hope, I truly hope, that isn’t permanent.

Now I have packing and moving to worry about, how to see my daughter when she is now an hour plus away from me, how to balance the rest of my relationships and keep them strong and healthy while I am struggling to keep myself strong and healthy. I have a lot of work to do on my life right now.

Being poly and living alone… I’ve done a lot of thinking about it. Now instead of the “open marriage” kind of branding, I have to combat the “player,” “womanizer,” labels. There are pluses and minuses. I’ll be exploring those at length as I settle more into my new situation.

Telling the story of what happened is something I thought would get easier the more times I had to tell it. It is just as hard every single time. Now I have told everyone in my inner circle, and it is nice to have support and friends I can count on. When monogamous people go through something like this, I imagine some of their feelings are far more difficult to deal with because they don’t have any more loving partners to care for them and support them. I am very lucky to have the network of trust and love and support that I do.

I’ll be just fine. Right?

Thinking about a kiss…

Our kiss starts off with maybe a hint of hesitation… Then lips close, close, close together. Feeling your breath on my lips, feeling the warmth of your skin before we’re even touching. Then the slightest touch and our mouths are suddenly together.

Parted slightly, feeling just the hint of my tongue brush your lips, not diving inside your mouth… A hand on your cheek, and the other at the small of your back, pulling you close… Breathless.

Polishing away the NRE

Recently, several of my friends and metamours have been caught up in the New Relationship Energy high and confusion that comes with seeing someone new. One of my partners told me not long ago that she isn’t really interested in adding anyone new to her constellation because, “the newness has worn off of newness.” I see where she’s coming from. Beginning new relationships is a lot of work, a lot of balance, and a lot of powerful and potentially conflicting emotions. New people take up energy and time, our precious kreplets.

There is energy and fun and a great endorphin rush in the hunt, though. And being so picky about the kinds of partners I am interested in dating, I freely admit that I often enjoy the courting and seduction phases far more than the rest of the relationship. I enjoy the challenge, the reward, the rush, the NRE. And those partners that don’t continue to contribute love and positivity to my life don’t seem to stay around for long after this phase is complete. Not that I love ‘em and leave ‘em, but it’s far harder to make the casual relationship a priority when the deep and loving relationship wants that time, too. There are only so many times you can tell someone you love them and know you are not going to hear it back, that you may never hear it at all.

But that is not the end game for me. That rush, that NRE, that’s not really what I want. In the lifecycle of my relationships, I want nothing more than to get through that NRE phase. I don’t like the confusion and the highs and lows that go with the beginning of a relationship. I am a believer in keeping the Relationship Energy alive, but continuing the RE is far more fulfilling to me than simply steeping in the buzz of New Relationship Energy.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the NRE or even that I think it’s bad. What I really don’t like is the beginning of a relationship. I hate going through the phases of wondering whether she likes me, wondering whether we’ll be a good fit, wondering where this is going, wondering whether she’ll love me back. Even the first-time things I am usually really good at are still a lot of work: is it time to lean in for that first kiss, can I take her hand for the first time right now, can I put my hand on her back… Sheesh! Sometimes that can be exhilarating. Other times, it’s really just stressful.

When a New Relationship loses the “New” and becomes simply a Relationship, some things definitely click into place for me. I stop being afraid of losing her at every turn. I can finally accept that she chose to be with me, too, and that she wants to be with me. I say I love her, and she says she loves me, too. We trust each other with our hearts. Radio silence ceases to bother me, since I have confidence that through the silence, she still loves me. When I leave for work in the morning, I stop thinking of it as ending a date or pulling out or having to offer up reassurances and making everything feel okay because I am leaving – it just becomes my leaving for work. I know I will see her again. I know she wants me to see her again.

When NRE gives way to RE, I don’t have to worry about boring my friends or my other partners with countless hours of dribble over the new partner. I realize that I begin talking about her in a more normal, more in a “she’s a part of my life” way rather than the “look at my shiny new toy” way.

For me in particular, RE doesn’t mean there is less PDA or less compliments or less sex or less lovin’. In fact, all of those things mean so much more once a relationship stops being a New Relationship. To keep a current, healthy, solid relationship going strong, there’s a lot of source material out there. As for me? I just try to love as well as I can, and accept love in return as gracefully as I can. I don’t always hit the bullseye, but I think most of us are still working on that.

Wedding rings

I don’t wear a wedding ring. I used to wear one. My ring is titanium and weighs something like minus 2 ounces. I don’t wear any jewelry at all, so having something lightweight and low-profile was important to me.

One day, long long ago, I had taken my ring off while I was mechanicing on a car. My daughter snatched it from my dresser and was playing with it, and, naturally, she lost it. “It’s on the top shelf,” she told me. That was her code for, “I don’t remember where I put it.” That was three and a half years ago.

Last year, we did actually find my ring. There was some Barbie furniture my daughter had been playing around with but was still a little young for. It turns out that she did actually put it on the top shelf of a Barbie armoire that we had stuffed away in the closet until she got older. By this point, I had lost a ton of weight and titanium is not easy or practical to resize. So even after we found it, I didn’t start wearing it again. So I made the mono-poly transition after I had already stopped wearing my ring.

I have, or have had, partners who have had all sorts of wedding ring styles. I dated a girl who wore her ring on a chain around her neck. I dated a girl who wore a puzzle ring as her wedding ring. I dated a girl who didn’t wear one at all. I very rarely notice strange looks when I am not wearing a ring and my date is, whether that date is actually my wife or not.

I’ve also had partners who have had exchanges of rings with other non-spousal partners. One of those partners, for instance, was given a ring by another of her partners. She would wear that ring on her right hand and her wedding ring on her left. I know a non-married poly woman who was given a ring by her partner, and most of the time she wears that ring on her left ring finger. Lots of right answers here.

The symbolism of the ring is not really significant to me. I am not sentimental or nostalgic. I’m just as married whether I wear the ring or not. I’m also just as nonmonogamous whether I wear the ring or not. Even at poly events, I still notice women I talk to glance down to check out my left hand. I am sure it’s societal conditioning and habit, but at an event that is all poly people, is that a barrier, an invitation, pure curiosity?

It’s much different when approaching women in the wild. The populace at large isn’t even poly-aware, much less poly-friendly. If you’re chatting up a random girl while wearing a wedding ring, be prepared to answer questions because they are on the way. The key is to be confident and up-front about every one of your answers. A hint of shyness or sheepishness or hesitation can give her the feeling that you are full of shit and this is all just a big setup for cheating. Don’t treat this as something you are ashamed of or shy about and don’t treat it like a disqualifier. At the very least, if you are talking to a woman who is even halfway interesting and intelligent, this is a deeply interesting conversation. Even when not being single has actually disqualified me from a date for a girl I was talking to, the talks we have had after revealing my polyamorous ways have been fascinating and engaging. And, sometimes, after those post-disqualifying conversations, she’ll change her mind about going on a date.

And for my female readers, this is much, much less of a problem for you. In my experience and from what I have learned talking to my female poly friends, men seem to be bothered a lot less by a nonmonogamous prospect than women do.

There’s really no one right answer to the ring or no ring question. If it is important to you, wear your ring. If it isn’t, don’t. Taking your wedding ring off to go talk to a cute girl will earn my disapproval. Be who you are, be honest, and don’t be a dick. Trust me, lots of girls will appreciate it.

Tested out of Kink 101

My local poly group recently put on an Intro to Kink/BDSM 101 class. I have become increasingly interested in the kinkier side of sexy time, so I was excited to attend and hear what the “Professional Dominatrix”, I’ll call her the Instructress, had to say. I can tell you that “Intro” and “101″ were quite correct. Several of the attendees and I recognized that we are far, far kinkier than we had originally thought, and that we were already way beyond what is taboo for a lot of the muggles out there.

We had some brief and specific definitions for vocabulary used in this particular class. We spoke a lot about consent and boundaries and limits. Two noteworthy points here was that it’s just as okay for the top/D-type to have boundaries and to dislike certain activities as it is for the bottom/S-type, and that there is nothing wrong with renegotiating those boundaries every time.

We spoke about ambiance and outfits. I question when people talk about their kinky personae as though they were different people. Actors and schizophrenics talk about their “characters” this way. She said, “I put on this outfit and there she was! Mistress Instructress was out!” I understand psychological crutches and talismans, things you need to get yourself into a particular frame of mind. But I don’t get the separate personality, or describing that personality as though she’s someone else. I wonder if it’s a matter of dodging ownership from the acts she is performing. I hope I get some feedback on this – I’ve always wondered about it.

She spoke very briefly about bondage. She decried the dangers of handcuffs and very matter of factly gave us her opinions as gospel of different rope materials. She did say something funny, though. “If you think of kink as lasagna, bondage is definitely the noodles.” Again, I’m not sure I agree. I disclaim this by saying that I am just commenting from my opinions and I still consider myself a novice, I have had plenty of what I have been told are fairly kinky sexy times with no restraint at all. Then again, I was recently told by a self-described Domme that food and kink are not remotely similar, so the consistent use of food analogies has me wondering, too. I’ve heard quite a lot of them, and I lean toward thinking kink and food are incredibly similar.

But back to the rope. We were reminded to think about the bondee’s circulation and to stop and reposition if any body parts go numb or feel tingly. She said that nylon is the absolute worst rope for bondage. Opinions on this really seem to vary. I have friends who say that nylon is very acceptable. It’s all very subjective. Her preferences run as follows:

1. Hemp
2. Silk
3. Cotton
4. Poly Blend

The Instructress also mentioned “Top Space.” I have heard of “Sub Space” before but I hadn’t heard of “Top Space.” I don’t understand what this is, either. I’ve been told that “Sub Space” is very freeing and liberating and intoxicating. I have never really subbed, but I have never really experienced any sort of transcendent way of being. It was recently explained to me that something as commonplace to me as being so into my work that all of a sudden I realize that a lot of time has passed and I was not aware of it. I suppose I can understand if concentrating hard enough on what I am doing while topping makes time fly by, but I still don’t really believe in any sort of altered state of being from any of these activities.

After the bondage portion, the Instructress went on to the hurting portion of the class. She mentioned getting excited every time she walks into Home Depot because of all of the tasty pain implements to be found there, mostly clothespins, I think. She was unspecific as to what else excited her there. She spoke about her implements, like suede floggers not leaving marks and leather floggers leaving marks; about paddles being thuddy and canes being stingy; about spanking with a cupped hand rather than an open flat hand; a good tip about starting light and working up to harder impacts so as to warm the body up and not give it a serious shock.

And that was mostly it… Pretty light on content, in my opinion, but, then, for repressed, lights-off, missionary sexers, I suppose this could all be fairly scandalous. But for me, I know the class was listed as an Intro class and I wasn’t sure quite what to expect, but I thought it a touch light. I wouldn’t say it was a wasted evening, though. I definitely got my fee’s worth of ideas. The Instructress did give me some tasty ideas for alternative, budget restraints. Self-adhering bandages, such as Vet Wrap pet bandages, and plastic wrap and a blow dryer make for good, tight, versatile restraints and even gags and blindfolds!

I did get some good framing around and places to look for inspiration for the things that I like. When I am topping, which seems to be pretty much all the time, I really enjoy sensory deprivation, sensation play, withholding orgasms, stacking and overproviding orgasms, very light breath play. I love blindfolds and gags and earplugs. I love giving scratchy, touchy, licky, sensations; ice, food (especially with a blindfold!), breath on the skin, breath in the ears. No pain. No humiliation or degradation. Just extreme sensations and anticipation.

I got a tip on those sensations I love to give so much, too. Take… it… slow. Draw it out. It is so much more deliciously agonizing the slower it goes.
She also suggested the use of chemical hand warmers in addition to using ice. And ice and hand warmers are both good to wrap over with the aforementioned plastic wrap. Devious, that. I’m going to have to try it.

This exposure opens my mind to even more possibilities. On the Life on the Swingset podcast episode 72, there was discussion about needle play. I would think that even three or four months ago, I would have tuned out from that and ignored the show until something less edgy for me was the subject again. But yesterday, I was fascinated by the idea of it. I was hungry for more information.

Then the talk deepened and turned to hooks, and, to quote Marlin from Finding Nemo, “Good feeling’s gone!” But I wasn’t repulsed. I didn’t shut down or shut it out. I just realized that for my comfort zone right now, hooks aren’t in it. Suspension is especially not in it! I am curious to watch it, but not at all interested in performing it, on either side.

As I get more and more interested in the advanced sexual arts, I want to learn more and more. The world of kink is varied and fascinating. I am hungry for information about it all! I want to know more about technique. I want to go deeper and learn about the attraction to certain activities, the emotions wrapped up in them, about why my friends or my partners are interested in certain things and not in certain other things.

And now that I know I’m not a kink freshman, and I’m armed with some more knowledge and experience, I want to take the red pill, and see how far the rabbit hole goes. I’m in, and I’m excited!

The Art of the V-Date

I love multiple-partner dates! Most of my partners’ partners are awesome people, and, naturally, we have a big something in common. So when we get the chance to go out and do something together, it’s usually lots of fun.

I’ve said before, I’m not prone to jealousy. It doesn’t bother me at all when my date gives her other date a kiss or a hug or petting or handholding or whatever PDA is appropriate. Not everyone is quite as comfortable with PDA – giving, receiving, or witnessing – as I am. Make sure your partner is comfortable, and your partner’s partner is comfortable. Make sure you communicate if something bothers you.

Also, the frame of the evening is very important to know up front. Before all parties arrive, know what the staying/sleeping/leaving arrangements are planned to be. I personally am fine whether I’m slated to be the one staying or the one leaving after the date. Of course, many of the best threesomes are spontaneous, rather than planned, and there is always a chance that we’ll all end up in bed together. But barring this, knowing ahead of time that you’re the one leaving or sleeping in the other room goes a lot way to preventing hurt feelings. No surprise here: Communicate!

There are some skills you need, in addition to proper communication, for a successful v-date. For instance, adults hand-in-hand-in-hand, three abreast, take up a lot more room than you’d think. Holding children’s hands hands, one on each side, means you can squeeze through most crowds and obstacles because you’re not taking up that much more room than two adults holding hands. Crazy bike riders, rushing pedestrians, dog walkers, trees all take up valuable space on a sidewalk that the three of you need to occupy. You’ll be doing a lot of jockeying for position, having a partner speed up or fall back to reduce the width of your entourage.

If this isn’t a city v-date, you’ll need to perform this same jockeying for position in a car. Sometimes, “Shotgun!” is enough to make seating arrangements. Just make sure you’re being fair to everyone. Again, if you feel like you are being left out or you are always forced to sit in the back seat with your feet on the hump, just say something.

Remember how lucky you are to have this sort of relationship with your partner and a good relationship with your partner’s partner. A healthy V-relationship is still a triangle – I just like to think that there is a solid line drawn between me and my partner, and her and her partner, and a dashed line drawn between said metamour and myself.

All three of you are going out on a date to enjoy yourselves and have fun. So, have fun!

The Tap Out

A young (but still of age, do I have to specify that for legal reasons?) reader of mine recently emailed me for advice. Here is a plain and somewhat proper English translation (sorry, dude!) of his story.

Twice now, he had gone down below to administer oral pleasure to his lady friend. The first time, he said, about two minutes in, she squirmed away from his head and scooted him up on top of her, grabbed a condom and said, “Let’s try something else…”

The second time, he said he was down there less than two minutes, and she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “You just relax and let me play for a little while.” He went on with some tasty details about some of her moves on him, but that’s not my story to share. (Although I always like perving out to any hot stories any of you feel like sharing!)

The third time, she stopped him as soon as he made a move to, “put [his] head down there.”

He went on to ask me why she kept stopping him, and wanted to know what I thought he did wrong. Well, I am happy to provide my wisdom! Both wisdom and administering oral pleasure are specialties of mine, and I am happy to take an enthusiastic young apprentice under my wing.

Young apprentice, you got the Tap Out. Typically, the tap out will happen within two or three minutes after the start of some particular activity, and it means that whatever you are doing isn’t working for her, and you aren’t picking up whatever signals or moves she is sending you to adjust your position, speed, pressure, technique.

She is trying to subtly direct you so she doesn’t have to be an air traffic controller. Although personally, I really enjoy when a partner can’t finish the directions for something new. “Ooh, a little to the left, left, harder, ha—-aaaaaaah.” Oh, just the thought of it gets me going.

First thing: rather than asking me, you should be asking her. I don’t know the intricacies of her unique and, I’m sure, lovely vagina. Chances are, she does. Great sex needs great communication. In the heat of the moment, I am sure she was being delicate so she didn’t discourage you or hurt your feelings.

Second, she was gentle and supportive about it. Trust me, she appreciated the effort, even if the results were less than satisfactory. She didn’t call off the fun, she didn’t tell you to cease and desist. Instead, she moved you into a different activity. She still wanted to play with you. This is not the end of the world.
Third, he says he “kinda” likes doing it but mostly feels like he needs to repay the oral sex she gives him with oral sex on her. To this, I say you needn’t repay favors in kind. If she responds well to your fingers and your touching, and not so well to your head that you “kinda” enjoy giving, well, keep on using your fingers! Again, clearly, she enjoys having sexy time with you! But it’s my experience that oral sex is best left to those who fucking love it, rather than those who “kinda” like it. Enthusiasm and responsiveness will get you everywhere!

But most importantly is point one. Communicate! Ask her! If you truly want to please her, ask her what pleases her. Believe me, having her show you what pleases her is always, always super hot. And if it turns out your unique mouth is not suited to her unique vagina, there are lots of other fun ways to play. Now, it’s up to you to go try!

Out of the Blue – Another breakup

I got dumped this weekend. I’m still not entirely sure why. From our talk, anyway, I gather that it just didn’t feel right to her. That’s enough of a reason. After all, a relationship has to be good for all parties involved to be a good relationship. There were a few points on which we were less than optimally compatible, true, but I still always enjoyed my time with her.

In a lot of ways, she and I are very opposite. I am very logical, rational, straight-lined, left-brained. I need to know the criteria I meant to fulfill. I value consistency. I need to know what is expected of me.

She, on the other hand, is way right-brained. She is fluid and emotional and independent and she makes her own way. She flits about like a beautiful and free-spirited butterfly. She experiences her life in a way that I don’t. I deeply enjoyed, and was equally perplexed by, my window into her mode of being.

There was certainly mutual attraction. I thought we had great chemistry. She was very concerned that we would only make each other miserable, and decided it was best for us to stop seeing each other. Both of our schedules were pretty packed. We are both very, very busy people. It’s a two hour trip to come see her. So it wasn’t all roses and cookies. But when we were together and got to enjoy it other, it was really nice.

As for me, I am sad about it ending. I am happy that we tried to have a romantic relationship. It happens that it just didn’t really work out for us. The worst part was that, to me, it just completely came out of nowhere. It completely stunned me.

Anyway, I don’t regret a moment of it. I really enjoyed becoming friends with another partner of hers, who I might not have had the chance to get to know without her. She offered me a unique perspective on things that I would not be able to come up with on my own. The shock of the sudden turn of events aside, my life benefited from having her in it.

I’m really glad we took a chance. And I think we are both mature enough to realize that if this one aspect of our relationship didn’t work out for the both of us, the other dimensions of our relationship can still survive. I still care a lot about her. I hope we’ll still be friends. I hope so, anyway – we see quite a lot of each other at various events and around the community. I have no hard feelings, but time, as they say, will tell…

Poly Snippet #2

I had a lunch date with a wonderful woman I met on OKCupid. We ate a tasty lunch and then realized we were feeling amorous. It was a beautiful summer day, and there was a scenic forest preserve across the street from my office. Sex in the woods? It’s been a while! We agreed to head over there and scope it out.

It was nearly 2pm, all of the company lunch types were already gone. The place wasn’t deserted but it was sparsely populated. Hand in hand, we walked down some of the walking paths until we came open a picnic pavilion building. Bam, up against the brick support post, hands in her hair, tongues entwined, bodies pressed together, getting harder and harder to breathe.

The inside of the pavilion was clearly visible from the field where a group was playing softball, so we decided to head into the wooded area and explore… each other, not so much the woods. Of course, we didn’t have a blanket to lay on, this was entirely spur of the moment. I administered my particular brand of PMW attention for at least 15 minutes, and she encouraged whichever hand was free at the time to be clamped over her mouth. It was super erotic. I love sex outside. When she came back down to earth, it was my turn. I laid on my back and she got to work. It was a fantastic afternoon.

When I got back to work my friend asked, “What did you have for lunch?”

“Vagina!” I answered.

I got home after work and after a thorough shower, I told my wife the story of my afternoon. I recall there being some amazing, hot post-debrief sex. Four days later, I was getting out of the shower (there had been showers in the meantime, this was not the very next shower I took, four days later!) and she noticed a huge black spot on my neck that she maintains was “the size of a dime!”

IT WAS A TICK!

I got a tick. A forest preserve outdoor sex tick.

My wife was very gracious and sprang to my rescue, although I really just think she wanted to perform amateur surgery on me. She got the tick out of me She saved my life!

“That’s it!” She said. “That was the first and last time! Next time, whichever of your girls caused it has to nurse you back to health from your sex injuries!” For the next four and a half minutes, I was bleeding from the neck and convulsing with laughter. And I am very grateful that she didn’t really mean it.

Short poly snippet #1

I was on a first date with a woman who, it turns out, was a little bit older than me. “I have about a ten year allowance on either side. Ten years older. Ten years younger. That seems to be about right,” she said.

“Sounds reasonable,” I said. “How old are you?”

“I’m forty six,” she answered. “How older are?”

Uh oh. “Thirty… six.” Close!

Thankfully, she made an allowance for the one year off I am from the cutoff.